Something that I truly struggled with all my life is my weight. My image. My outward appearance, and in turn, what others think about me. It's a constant pattern. I try and lose weight and all of a sudden I just can't keep doing it. I thought this year would be different. I would go to college, be a completely new person and no one would know my past. Well that didn't happen. My appearance gave them a small glimpse into my past. A tiny bit but never into my heart.
Lets be real. I have always been chubby. Never the skinny mini type who gets all the guys, or at least gets all the attention from guys. It has just been me, myself, and I. Anyways last year, I went into a state of sort of depression. I decided that I wasn't happy with who I was on the outside so I wanted to change it. I began to make myself throw up. Now I wouldn't call myself bulimic because it never got out of control but at the same time it was always a risk. Every time I wanted it to be the last. I wanted it to end, and I wanted to see quick results. I thought I was on my way to a size 3, but that never happened. I realized that I needed to seek help and so I did. Good thing that bad habit ended.
Anyways, now as I'm in college I have actually gotten a little bit more attention from guys. It's been nice, being complimented and such. It almost feels as though my past doesn't cling on to me quite as much, until now.
I live in a dorm at my school where the people above me are obnoxious and when I say obnoxious I mean [that's an understatement]. They bang, talk loudly and play loud music every single night. I can understand it on weekends when everyone is just trying to relax and have a good time but when its 2 AM on a wednesday morning, you know there's something wrong. It's every night. The same old routine, and honestly, I'm sick of it. Of course, these 4 guys couldn't handle me banging on the ceiling every night and so this time they walked downstairs. It was dark in the hallway and so they I turned the lights on. I cursed them off which I probably shouldn't have done, but am I really at fault here? Let's think about it. NO. Anyways, after telling them that I was pissed, they went upstairs and kept going on with their nightly routine as if nothing had happened, but even more so.
"She said honestly like 100 times." "Was she like 175 lbs. nahhhh bro more like 180. Not even man, she weighed about 200 lbs." "I mean, if she was hot then I would have cut her some slack, but she was so fucken ugly." "I'm gonna make my status, chill the fuck out."
What is a girl to do when these comments are being said about her. Cry. Show my weakness. Not to them but to myself. It's so typical. I'm already used to it, so why is it different? because I thought I was moving into the future, being at college and all, but all that's happening is my past. over and over again. Of course my friends are always there for me but there is only so much they can do to make me feel better. Its a psychological thing now. One in which has been permanently (for now) been engraved into my head. "I am fat and nothing more."
What do I do now? Starve myself? Make myself throw up? No. I'm stronger than that. I want to change for myself not for the people around me and most certainly not for the a$$h****s on the floor above me. God created me in His image, and therefore I am beautiful.
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